Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[Rickster71]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."

Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more”. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything---. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his f*****g wife."

 

[STRONGBADF1]

Made me laugh.

 

[Ponzio]

An attractive blonde from California arrived at the casino and bet
twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.


She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude".

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,

"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES
YES, I WON, I WON!"


She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered,
"I don't know - I thought you were watching."

 

[Ponzio]

sorry about the length but worth it

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________ ________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: ; Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at t he time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

 

[markw]

Several friends were at a friend from their churchs's funeral and were talking among themselves.

One asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

<st1:City w:st="on"><ST1Eugene</st1:City> commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

 

[agarwalro]

Jeff Foxworthy started the "you might be a redneck if..." one line jokes. (With my. ADD, that's all I can...) Here are 300 of them.

http://www.countryhumor.com/redneck/mightbe.htm

My favorite,
You might be a redneck if, Jack Daniels makes you list of most admired people.

 

[markw]

A good-looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood.

“I want to be a movie star,” he told the agent. Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked: “What’s your name?”
“Penis van Lesbian,” he replied.

“Sir, I hate to tell you,” said the agent, “but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.”

“I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Never!”

“Now listen: I have worked in Hollywood for years and I’m telling you that will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. Change your name - or I won’t be able to put you on our books.”

“So be it! I guess we will not do business together,” the guy said, and left the agent’s office.

...Five years go by

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office - inside is a letter and a check for $50,000.

Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said and, eventually, decided you were right: I had to change my name. I’m afraid I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.

But I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,
**** van Dyke

**** Short for Richard

 

[Rickster71]

[h=5]My friend set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... she's expecting a baby."

I felt like an idiot waiting in the bar wearing nothing but a diaper.[/h]

 

[markw]

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The veterinarian told the lady if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she could go to the store for 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.
<O</O
The lady goes to the drugstore and gets some Nair.

At the register, the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady responds: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "OK, If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady answers: "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "Well, in that case, stay off your bicycle for a week."

 

[markw]

My friend, who is a mortician, told me that he's tying his "clients" shoelaces together when he prepares them for etrnity.
He says that when the zombie apocalypse takes place, it'll be hilarious.

 

[Alex2507]

Jeff Foxworthy started the "you might be a redneck if..." one line jokes. (With my. ADD, that's all I can...) Here are 300 of them.

You Might Be A Redneck

My favorite,
You might be a redneck if, Jack Daniels makes you list of most admired people.

... if you've ever been too drunk to fish.

 

[Ponzio]

Circle Flies

A farmer got pulled over by a Lansing Police Officer for speeding, and the officer started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around, to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the officer got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The officer stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are; I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The officer says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ***?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ***."

The officer says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

 

[markw]

One evening in a Spanish restaurant...

A guy is visiting Spain for the first time. He's having dinner in a restaurant and is deciding what he wants for dinner. Not being very conversant in the language, he spends a lot of time looking at what the other customers are ordering. He sees a waiter serving the guy at the next table a plate of spaghetti with two of the biggest meatballs he's ever seen. He decides he wants that.

So, he goes to the waiter "I'll have the spaghetti and meatballs like the guy at the next table.

The waiter replies "Sir, that's not just spaghetti and meatballs. That's the special of the day."

The guy says "OK, I'll have the special of the day then."
</O
The waiter then says "I'm sorry. I cannot do that sir. We can only serve one special of the day. That is what makes it the special of the day."

The guy asks when he can get it. The waiter says they have reservations for it until a week from Thursday. The guy makes a reservation for that day. Every day until then he has dinner there and watches everyone getting the special of the day and drools. He can just taste those meatballs.

Finally the day arrives. He goes to the restaurant and the waiter sees him and says "Ah, senor. I see you're here for your special of the day. I'll have the chef start on it right away. I’ll bring you some wine to start you off".

A short time later the waiter brings him his dinner, but instead of two huge meatballs, all it has is what look like two tiny brown capers on top.

Disappointed and a little bit peeved, the man asks "What's up? I expected two giant meatballs and all I have are the two tiny things? What's the story?"

The waiter patiently explains "Ah, senor, there seems to be some misunderstanding here. You see, those are not meatballs in the sense you are used to . You see, every day after the bullfight we are given the two articles from the loser that make him a raging male. We then season them just right and slowly simmer them until they reach the perfect doneness. Only then will we place them on top of our home made spaghetti serve them."

So, the man asks "Yeah, so what's with these two tiny little caper like things then? Where's my bull's balls?"

The waiter then replies "Well, you see sir, even though we have many fine picadors to torture, torment and stab the strong bull until he's tired, worn out and 9/10th dead before the matador goes in to finish him off, sometimes the bull still wins."

 

[Ponzio]

Logic Explained

Two good ‘ol boys, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic. "Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?" "Yeah." "Then logically because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife." "Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual." "I am heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"

Bob says "No I Don't."

Jim Says "Then logic tells me you're a queer."

 

[Rickster71]

^^^^
nttawwt

 

[TLS Guy]

Two good ‘ol boys, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic. "Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?" "Yeah." "Then logically because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife." "Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual." "I am heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"

Bob says "No I Don't."

Jim Says "Then logic tells me you're a queer."

That's very funny, because a lot of people use faulty logic like that!

 

[Ponzio]

^^^^
nttawwt

At my advanced age, I'm afraid I don't understand. What does the acronym "nttawwt" mean? Or is this joke not politically correct?

 

[mike c]

At my advanced age, I'm afraid I don't understand. What does the acronym "nttawwt" mean? Or is this joke not politically correct?

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That

 

[Ponzio]

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That

That's good to hear. For a minute there I thought I had crossed some invincible barrier, which I seem to do with regularity these days, according to my beloved. My internal sensitivity meter is deteriorating as I get older and I don't see a fix in the future.

 

[Alex2507]

At my advanced age, I'm afraid I don't understand. What does the acronym "nttawwt" mean? Or is this joke not politically correct?

It refers to a Seinfeld episode in which they said "nttawwt" after every single reference to homosexuality in a humorous declaration of not being prejudiced. There, I just saved you 30 minutes of your life ... enjoy.