I thought I'd post an article I wrote when I was in second year university here in Guelph Ontario. I was forced to take a writers craft course because it was the only thing that would fit into my schedule. I thought I would hate it since I dispise all english courses but it was one of the most fun courses I took. This article was supposed to be about an observation in daily society that we like or agree with, or do not like and dislike.
There were no marks for spelling, punctuation or grammar. The object of the article was to show creativity.
The TA that graded this article wrote on the last page. " I didn't stop laughing throughout the entire thing."
There is vulger language throught the entire article, and if that offends you I would ask you to stop reading now.
::: Article :::
What Grinds my Gears........slow walkers!
Usually i try to delve deep into the topic i'm writing about...searching out the truths and discarding the untruths. However in this case little research was needed. The cold hard fact is that if you are an *******....you will walk slow. I believe that this is preprogrammed at birth....whether you will excel in life..i.e walk fast....or be a complete douchebag for all eternity and walk slow.
Walking slow just doesn't affect how you will turn out in life....oh no....it also determines what quality of friends you have. I'll explain....slow walkers will only hang around with other slow walkers. Now i bet you're asking yourself...."Why is this the case Andrew?" Well....this is mainly due to the fact that the classic "slow walker" cannot change the rate at which they walk, usually getting tired at any speed faster than "supreme annoyance" and cannot catch up to the much more refined "fast walkers" and will be forever associated with being slow douchebags.
The following are some characteristics of the typical "slow walker"
- Is always infront of a "fast walker"......no matter what.....they will search out the genetically superior "fast walkers" and park their asses infront of one and walk at a pace that seems like time is standing still.
- Usually obese to an extent that they no longer walk as a human, but as some sort of penguin-human hybrid.
- Their speed of walk is indirectly proportional to how tight their pants are (usually girls), the tighter the pants the slower the speed. This is most likely to prevent the metal teeth at the front of their jeans from breaking apart and killing a dozen people with the high velocity shrapnel the metal pieces would then become.
- The typical male slow walker is who you want to stay away from at all costs. In the wild the male slow walker is rarely allowed to mate due to there severely inbread nature. The only girls that the male slow walker will ever mate with are ones he can catch. Lucky for us our gene pools stay seperate and "asspiratism", a common disease seen in slow walkers, is contained.
I hope my list will aid you in your contant struggle to elude the often repulsive slow walker
Walk on my friends......Walk on......
I'm Andrew......and thats What Grinds my Gears.
