I wrote this a few years ago for another forum where we were discussing voodoo and snake oil type audio products. After reading several websites selling their voodoo audio stuff I wrote this as a lampoon. I just remembered it today and decided to post it over here. I've noticed that the majority of the members here don't believe in voodoo or snake oil audio products. I hope all of you enjoy and are not too offended by it.
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I’ve noticed a formula in nearly all reviews of voodoo audio products. First they tell the reader that what they are listening to is wrong from the start. No matter how satisfied you are with your sound system it is producing the sound incorrectly the reviews clearly state. This also gets the reader interested in the product and skeptical about the quality of his system.
“Are you truly hearing everything you are supposed to be hearing from your system? You are not unless you are using Voodoo’s revolutionary new B-U-T-T plugs.”
Then they start out by giving a preview of the resulting improvement the reviewer experienced. This gets the reader interested on how the sound improved for the reviewer.
“By simply placing a B-U-T-T plug into my anus I immediately heard an unprecedented level of improvement in the sound of my system.”
Then there usually is a product description outlining the manufacture’s revolutionary technology that enables to make the sound better than ever before.
“Voodoo, through years of experimentation, found a unique property in the human anus that is directly connected to the hearing nerves in the inner ear. By using different B-U-T-T plugs made from different materials they found the sound’s bloom, image focus, tonality, and decay rates could be altered to match a more real sound. When they started testing B-U-T-T plugs made from a 5” cork material that Voodoo can only obtain and dipped in horse vomit they realized they had discovered the plug that would be perfect for introduction to sell to only the most discerning and rich audiophiles.”
Then there is the more detailed review:
“As I stated above when I placed a B-U-T-T plug in my anus I immediately started hearing my system’s fine details more clearly. But to my amazement I heard them before I ever turned on my system!! When I did turn my system on I felt sensations from the sound that I have never imagined. The experience was so euphoric I will never listen to another audio system again without the B-U-T-T plug. I cannot believe how much of an improvement the B-U-T-T plug made in my $100,000 system."
Then there is the “enlightening non-audiophile” review”:
“Just to make sure I was not imagining things I asked several people over to listen to my system with and without the B-U-T-T plug. These people have never been exposed to a high-end system so they are totally impartial. My wife could tell an improvement immediately once I installed the B-U-T-T plug in her. It made her so enthralled because she had never had such an experience while listening to my system. Then my next-door neighbor listened. He was so happy he said to keep all the stuff I have stolen, umm borrowed, from him over the years. Even my cat loved the B-U-T-T plug when in the same room with my system. But the clincher was my buddy that is an indirect relative to both Darwin and Einstein. Even with his doctorates in nuclear physics and psychology he could immediately hear the improvement the B-U-T-T plug made. It made him forget everything he has ever learned and now he has become a squatter in the hallway between my system and the bathroom.”
Then there is the price and its explanation of why it costs so much:
“The Voodoo B-U-T-T plug sells for $98,999. This may seem like a lot, but if you ever have the experience of one then the price will fade into your memory. This item truly makes listening to every sound system a euphoric experience. Voodoo has years of experimentation, refinement, and horse feed in this product. It is truly worth its price. No, we are blessed the B-U-T-T plug costs this cheap.”
Then there is a final hint at the new and improved product:
“The engineers at Voodoo told me they have been working on an improved B-U-T-T M-A-X plug. They are perfecting a new plug made from molten lava from an active moon circling Mars and dipped into nuclear waste. This plug will be a significant improvement over the original. Its price will be only $999,989 dollars. Included in this price is a personal insertion by a Tibetan monk using super glue and rusty pliers to make sure the B-U-T-T M-A-X plug will never come out of your anus.”
