My Dad's Joke-O-the-Day

[Rob Babcock]

A priest and a pastor from the local church are standing by the side of
the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads: "The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now -- Before It's Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"

 

[Rob Babcock]

Okay, Bonus time! Here's another classic, via my Dad:

An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public place relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.
"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers.

"Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

 

[surveyor]

French Terrorist Alert

The French Government announced yesterday that it has
raised it's terror alert level from "run" to "hide." The only two
higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate". This may have been precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed one of their three White Flag factories (on the outskirtsof Paris), disabling the entire ground combat element of their armed forces
for the time
being.




__________________________________

 

[surveyor]

Commentators Goofs

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them..... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
Cheers

 

[Mudcat]

I am so totally offended by your Frog bas - err French bashing. I have many personnal fiends in many diverse engineering fields in France. We talk very often about many of these perceptions. By the way, they do not speak english, and I do not speak French (neither do they by the by) but our German is excellent.

 

[Francious70]

^^^^ AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Paul

 

[Rob Babcock]

Another good one:

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

 

[slmcdonald7]

I can't tell a joke to save my life.

Here's a good one:

A preacher, an optometrist and an engineer are out golfing together one day (hereinafter: "three guys"). When they get to the 7th green, they get stuck behind a couple of guys who are just putting aimlessly on the green.

This has gone on for about ten minutes when the greenskeeper pulls up beside them and asks: "Is there a problem?"

The three guys inform the greenskeeper that they've been waiting on these guys for quite a while and ask if he would mind asking them if they played through.

The greenskeeper looked at the guys and then quickly replied "Oh no, I couldn't do that. You see, those are two firefighters who lost their vision saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, and to show our gratitude, we allow them to play for free whenever they want. I couldn't ask them that."

The three guys were so moved, the preacher said: "In honor of those two heros, I will give a sermon this Sunday on the virtues of sacrafice and ask my congregation to pray for their recovery."

The greenskeeper and the other two all agreed that this was a fantastic idea.

Next, the optometrist said, "I am so moved by these two, I will ask my best friend to operate on these brave men and give them back their eyesight. He is the world's greatest eye surgeon, and I am certain that we can give these men back their sight. "

Once more, they all agreed that this was a fantastic idea, and the best yet.

Next the engineer said: "Well, couldn't they just play at night?"

 

[Mudcat]

Next the engineer said: "Well, couldn't they just play at night?"

I am deeply offended by this needless engineer bashing. A true engineer would have created a diversion to take their attention away from the green and sent them scurrying blindly about the golf course. I think I'll write a letter to Gene or Hawk and have your post remove, if I could only find my plastic pocker protector with all of my pens.

Even though it is not germane and may germinate more jokes, did I mention my German is excellent?

 

[Gatorchong]

Good one

So an elementary class is talking about an upcoming career day and the teacher has asked the children to stand up and tell what their fathers do for a living. The first child stands up and says: "My daddy's a doctor, he heals people when they're sick." The second child stands up and says: "My Daddy's a lawyer, he puts bad people in jail." The third child stands up and says: "My Daddy's dead." The teacher says: "I'm sorry honey, but what did he do before he died." The kid says: "He turned blue and sh*t on the rug"

- One of my favorite jokes.

 

[Beegowl]

Those crazy Aggies

City boy decides to raise chickens. Sends for some baby chicks and plants them, one at a time, feet first in his garden plot. They soon expire. Repeats procedure. Same result. Friend recommends asking Texas A & M Agriculture Engineers for advice. Fine. City boy inquires by snail mail, stating his procedures and dilemma in detail. Two weeks pass. He receives an envelope from the Aggies in College Station. He rips it open. He reads. Please send soil samples.

Hook 'em.

 

[surveyor]

Mother-in-Law

Mother-in-Law
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his Family
including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem
George's Mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the
American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the
United States for a proper burial.

The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United
States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost, him as much as
$5,000.00. The Consul told him; in most cases the person responsible for the
remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This
would only cost him $150.00.
George thinks for sometime and answers, "I don't care how much it
will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."
The Consul says, "You must have loved your Mother-in-law very much
considering the difference in price."
"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many,
many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third
day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance! “

 

[Audioholics]

A doctor, a lawyer and a priest walk into a bar...

Which is really stupid, cause after the doctor and lawyer hit it, the priest should have stopped.

 

[Leprkon]

three good old boys from Texas were thrown into a Mexican jail for unknown crimes. They are sentenced to die in the electric chair.

The first is put in the chair. The authorities ask if he has any last words. He replies, "I went to Baylor University and I learned to believe that God is with us and will I believe my faith will keep me safe". The jailer throws the switch, and nothing happens. The Mexican people, being deeply religious, decide that God did indeed intervene and that this man must be under the protection of God, so they let him go.

The second takes his place. Again, they ask for last words. He responds "well I went to the Law School at the University of Texas in Austin and I believe there is justice in this world." The switch is thrown again, and again nothing happens. The authorities believe that justice has prevailed, and set him free as well.

The third sits down. They ask for final words. He answers, " well I went to the Texas A&M where I learned electical engineering, and I believe you won't ever electrocute anybody if you don't hook up that ground wire..."

 

[surveyor]

As said by the famous MudCat.
"Pull My Finger ..."
Just remember what Hank the Texas Ranger sais-
"If it's loud be proud, but if you draw mud your a dud".

 

[Francious70]

As said by the famous MudCat.
"Pull My Finger ..."

You mean like this??

 

[Polkfan]

Heee HEEEeeee.

 

[surveyor]

Funnies

Have a nice day!

 

[sjdgpt]

Down in Alabama, cute little Doris turns to her brother Bubba and says in her sweetest nicest voice

"Bubba, if we get a divorce, will I still be your sister?"




Also works for other select states.

 

[surveyor]

Another HA HA

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to FART. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with an Avon Pine Scented deodorizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator.

He began to sniff, and the Avon lady nervously asked, "Do you smell something"?

"Well, yes I do", he replied.

" Oh ! what does it smell like?" she asked.

The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone **** under a Christmas tree".