"keeping in touch" ..only in times of need

[washburn]

I think of myself as someone who keeps in touch with my friends (no i don't have a TON of them but I always value quality over quantity), and at times i have observed that even a few among those that I like in general and would want to keep in touch, they really DON'T... EXCEPT when they need me for something... in the last 2-3 weeks, as I and my class mates get close to graduating from Pharmacy school, several people that I know, from whom I haven't heard a thing during last year, suddenly contact me for various questions about CVs, job hunting, how to put a resume together etc (wifey and I have a reputation for being meticulous about stuff like that and we often help people by looking at their doc's, applications, CVs, etc etc...and the word spreads a bit i guess)..

Now, i don't MIND helping at all, and actually have done already for these 2-3 people in question, BUT it's the principle that bugs me...i just cannot shake the thought off, that these 2-3 people only contacted me after all those months just to discuss their CVs, etc...wifey of course immediately noticed that, and said so to me..of course i knew it...she just spoke my thoughts...
I am not "mad" or anything, but mildly annoyed...to one of them, i jokingly said something that gave voice to my thoughts, but i don't think she even noticed it..if she did, she did great job of pretending not to know what I meant...

I am sure I am not the only one who experiences this...but i am curious to know what people do about it...do I "drop" people like this and break off ties? do I just bite it and think "i'm doing a favor, and it doesn't harm me, just keep doing it"?...

WWYD?

 

[blindcat7]

Oh, I know this one very well. I did my undergrad in English and Psych and did a year of grad work in English including both Lit and Rhetoric and Professional Communication and, of course that means I am everyone's editor or personal writer. I don't mind with certain family and friends. I am legally blind and was injured in a car wreck in 2002 and still have lingering mobility problems and these friends and family are the ones that stuck with me and have been helpful and caring towards me so I don't mind returning whatever I can. But there are some that only appear when they need advice or help and some that don't even bother to ask how I am doing before making their request. Truthfully, my response has varied. There are some that I know have their own issues and I don't mind helping if the request isn't too much. I'll give wording advice and general advice, but I'm not going to offer to accept a copy of their document to edit. Others that just seem to want to take advantage with no regard for friendship or at least courteous reciprocity, I defeat by apathy. I have a good deal of chronic pain and the fatigue that often comes from such. This even effects the willing help I give to those who remain close, but I have no reservations about using this to either back out of helping users or dragging things out to the point that they would rather find someone else to use. Now, not everyone else has such justifications for putting off helping these sorts, but everyone has their own schedule and reasons for not being able to get to other people's projects quickly. I've noticed that most of those who are only interested in getting in touch for reasons that benefit them want what they want now and aren't too concerned with anyone else's needs or schedule. Often, being told that help is available only by appointment so to speak and on someone else's timetable is enough to drive away those who are more interested in what they want than actually rekindling a friendship. After a few years of following this philosophy, the only people who still contact me for assistance are those who I know will be there if I need something and who spend some time catching up and actually socializing if we have been out of touch for a while.

HTH,

Chris

I think of myself as someone who keeps in touch with my friends (no i don't have a TON of them but I always value quality over quantity), and at times i have observed that even a few among those that I like in general and would want to keep in touch, they really DON'T... EXCEPT when they need me for something... in the last 2-3 weeks, as I and my class mates get close to graduating from Pharmacy school, several people that I know, from whom I haven't heard a thing during last year, suddenly contact me for various questions about CVs, job hunting, how to put a resume together etc (wifey and I have a reputation for being meticulous about stuff like that and we often help people by looking at their doc's, applications, CVs, etc etc...and the word spreads a bit i guess)..

Now, i don't MIND helping at all, and actually have done already for these 2-3 people in question, BUT it's the principle that bugs me...i just cannot shake the thought off, that these 2-3 people only contacted me after all those months just to discuss their CVs, etc...wifey of course immediately noticed that, and said so to me..of course i knew it...she just spoke my thoughts...
I am not "mad" or anything, but mildly annoyed...to one of them, i jokingly said something that gave voice to my thoughts, but i don't think she even noticed it..if she did, she did great job of pretending not to know what I meant...

I am sure I am not the only one who experiences this...but i am curious to know what people do about it...do I "drop" people like this and break off ties? do I just bite it and think "i'm doing a favor, and it doesn't harm me, just keep doing it"?...

WWYD?

 

[lsiberian]

If you're doing professional level work then you should be getting paid. It's as simple as that. You should make clear your hourly rate upfront. For salesman technique. I suggest you say something like I normally charge 20 per hour for that but for you I'll charge 15.

Schedule estimates for different work, but remember they aren't flat rates they are estimates. You can't exceed the estimate, but if it's less than charge less.

I'm a software engineer/tech and if someone who's not family or a close friend wants computer work done. I expect them to pony up 20 an hour. I got bills to pay and the work isn't easy. Workers earn their wages.

 

[njedpx3]

If you're doing professional level work then you should be getting paid. It's as simple as that. You should make clear your hourly rate upfront. For salesman technique. I suggest you say something like I normally charge 20 per hour for that but for you I'll charge 15.

Schedule estimates for different work, but remember they aren't flat rates they are estimates. You can't exceed the estimate, but if it's less than charge less.

I'm a software engineer/tech and if someone who's not family or a close friend wants computer work done. I expect them to pony up 20 an hour. I got bills to pay and the work isn't easy. Workers earn their wages.

OP, Isiberian makes a great point. People who only want you to provide them a service free and then and only then contact you, aren't really your friends. If it were me, I would expand my circle of friends and I just might be busy when certain "always wanting" friends came a-calling.

Peace and Good Will,

Forest Man

P.S. - Having said that, for what it is worth I try to be more of a giver and helper than a taker

 

[T2T]

Nishan,

I think what you're experiencing is something that is unique to where you currently are in your lives. Lots of your friends are still under the education realm or crossing over to new careers. At the moment, it really seems as though they are leaning on you and your wife a bit hard - yet, you question the validity of the friendship.

A bit further on in your lives, you'll get away from that environment. Hopefully, you won't have too needy of neighbors that desire to borrow all of your tools all the time - or, it will make you feel like you do now - used. Instead, I hope that you have neighbors that bring you and your wife joy. You share tools, etc. that you've purchased, while you borrow from the other neighbors, if needed. It makes one feel less used. Fortunately, for me, I happen to luckily live on such a street. I never feel pressure - or used to oblige to any of my neighbors unless I want to.

Follow your hearts on this one. If you end up being honest with those who are doing the asking, chances are they'll get the message and back away a bit.

In closing, I'll leave you with one of my favorite bumper stickers that I see from time-to-time. "Yes, this is my truck. No, I won't help you move."

 

[adwilk]

This is a tough one... While I do agree that it can be a bit frustrating at times to help someone out, especially when it seems that certain people are "using" you so to speak, I think its important that your apply your skills and talents beyond "paid work". I think you need to make it very clear to these individuals that your time is very valuable, but charging a "friend" can be a slippery slope.

Use the opportunity to enrich your friendship. One of my "buddies" needed a logo and website for his new business. That's something I can make some money doing, but gave him a decent effort in exchange for him buying me a beer or two watching a football game at a local sports bar. It was good to get to know him a bit better and now we're close friends.

I've always been the go to guy amongst a large circle of acquaintances for specific topics and I return the favor because I'm not afraid to ask for help or assistance regarding certain other topics. That is the definition of community. Your life will will improve, your profession will improve, your networking will improve by giving back where you can. You never know when you'll need someone, perhaps someone you've helped, to pay it forward.

I never miss an opportunity to take a few minutes to lend a hand. Its a great opportunity to make a positive impact on another's life, provided you do it with a great attitude and sincerity. You can't do it "for" them, but you can inspire confidence and learning in very little time. Sure, it can add up, but do your best to accept the flattery and take the opportunity to teach and improve somebody's situation. The rewards are endless and the network you get plugged into will begin to help you in ways you honestly can't imagine. Remember that asking for help isn't always easy and the fact that you get asked speaks volume for your character. You should be proud.

 

[jamie2112]

Anyone got any money they can give me?

 

[Audioholics]

I as just thinking about this in another light the other day. How many times do we treat God this way? We don't talk to Him or spend time with Him except when we need something...

 

[washburn]

thanks for the great comments, guys.
I must stress that i am not a professional in the areas they asked my assistance for help and that I will never accept money for whatever help i can offer, BUT it's not the magnitude of it that bothered me: it's the principle of it. (I have already reviewed their CVs and sent them back, and ONE of the 3 sent an e-mail and said "thanks" hehehe). I do enjoy doing things like that, to be honest, but it seems the enjoyment is more with ppl who stay in touch with us at ALL times...

Lots of good advice, and i will do some thinking. I may be also too hesitant to ask for help from those whom we have helped, or think "i can do it anyway"...which may not always be correct.

Thanks again, guys.

PS: i never talk to god, for help or any other reason, so that part of the problem is at least solved, but i can see what Clint means, too.

 

[KEW]

It depends on your circumstances, but you will likely find, as you and your friends from school diverge to different locations and have children, interactions with your buddies is reduced greatly.

However, being there when a friend needs assistance is core.

I guess it boils down to how casual they are about consuming your time.
If I felt a friend was pushing it by asking my help too casually, I'd come up with a barter scenario.

For example, "It's going to take me about 3 hours to go over your resume in detail, the way I'd like to. I promised my son I'd get his basketball goal installed as soon as I could. I'll be more than happy to take care of the resume, but wonder if you can lend me a hand getting the goal up one evening. I'll make sure there are a couple of cold brews in the fridge."

Be honest about this barter. It is not a trick or test; you're just being realistic.

Good friendships are built on give and take, not give or take. Be sure to give your friends opportunities to help you! If you are aloof or too independent, it compromises the friendship.

HTH

 

[Alex2507]

I promised my son I'd get his basketball goal installed as soon as I could.

Basketball goal ?!?
Somebody call immigration on this guy! He's not American !!!

I just use my friends. When they ask me for stuff, I tell 'em to screw.

 

[krzywica]

If yur guud @ stoff then peeps will aways botha yu. I'ze good as speelin so I helps em read.