Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

davidscott

davidscott

Audioholic Samurai
What do you call pulp free orange juice that has some pulp in it? Pulp fiction. Bada Bing Bada Boom.
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A Jewish bookie at the race track, playing the ponies, was having no luck.

He noticed that a Priest stepped out onto the track and blessed one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. That horse - a long shot - won the race!

As the horses lined up for the next race, the Priest went on to the track again and, sure enough, blessed one of the horses and again, that horse won the race.

The Jewish bookie waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet on it, and it won.

As the races continued, the Priest kept blessing horses, and the Jewish bookie kept winning.

On the last race, the Priest stepped onto the track and blessed an old nag that was 100/1. Since this was the last race, the Jewish bookie bet every cent he had on the old nag. He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up last.

In a state of shock, he confronted the Priest, “Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed came in last. Thanks to you I've lost every cent I had!

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy “You’re not Catholic are you, my son?"

"No, I'm Jewish."

"That's the problem" said the Priest, "you don’t know the difference between a blessing and the last rites.























 
BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
A woman was having a problem with her bedroom closet door. It would fall off the hinges whenever the bus went by. She tried several times to fix it herself, but the door would still fall off when a bus went by.
She finally called a repair man. He showed up, looked over the door and found no problem.
Then the bus came, and sure enough, the door fell off.
He said that he was going to step inside and for her to close the door behind him.
As soon as the door was closed her husband came home and heard her talking to someone in their bedroom. He burst in, demanding to know who was in
there.
Before she could answer he looked in the closet and found the repairman and asked, 'What's he doing in there?'
The repairman said, 'You're not going to believe this, but I'm waiting for the bus.…
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A woman was having a problem with her bedroom closet door. It would fall off the hinges whenever the bus went by. She tried several times to fix it herself, but the door would still fall off when a bus went by.
She finally called a repair man. He showed up, looked over the door and found no problem.
Then the bus came, and sure enough, the door fell off.
He said that he was going to step inside and for her to close the door behind him.
As soon as the door was closed her husband came home and heard her talking to someone in their bedroom. He burst in, demanding to know who was in
there.
Before she could answer he looked in the closet and found the repairman and asked, 'What's he doing in there?'
The repairman said, 'You're not going to believe this, but I'm waiting for the bus.…
That's an old joke but it's always good!
 
highfigh

highfigh

Audioholic Slumlord
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.

This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared he was losing the case and asked his senior partner if he should send a box of cigars to the judge to curry favor. The senior partner was horrified. “The judge is an honorable man,” he said, “If you do that, I guarantee you’ll lose the case!” Eventually, the judge ruled in the young lawyers favor. “Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior partner asked. “Oh, I did send them,” the younger lawyer replied. “I just enclosed my opponent's business card with them.”
 
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BoredSysAdmin

BoredSysAdmin

Audioholic Overlord
Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"


Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."

Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"

Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"
 
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