Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

davidscott

davidscott

Audioholic Ninja
A great hunter goes in search of the legendary Fu bird in deepest Africa.
He hires some guides and off they go.
After spotting a Fu the hunter shoots and misses.
The bird flies over the party and craps on a guide's head.
He goes to the river and washes it off then is immediately devoured by a crocodile.
Moving on the hunter spots and takes another shot at the Fu.
The bird flies over the party again and craps on another guide.
The guide goes to the river washes it off then is bitten in half by a hippo.
Exasperated the hunter takes one more shot at the bird and misses.
The Fu then craps on the hunter.
When the remaining members of the party ask him aren't you gonna clean that off?
He says no man don't you get it?
When the Fu shits wear it!
 
davidscott

davidscott

Audioholic Ninja
If you think Urban Meyer is a prick, you should meet his brother Oscar. He is a real wiener.
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
I saw a car parked down the road with a bumper sticker. The sticker said “I miss New York City”


So I smashed his window in and stole his brand new radio.
 
davidscott

davidscott

Audioholic Ninja
What did the American buffalo say to his boy as he was about to leave the family? Bison. :)
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A farmers meat is getting old, so he decides to buy another younger one.

When the new meat is put into the pen with the other chickens, the old meat says to him ‟I own all these hens, they all will only sleep with me, but I’m old, I will give them to you if you grant my last wish before I die”

The young meat is desperate to sleep with all these hens, and respects the old chickens last wish, so he agrees.
‟I want you to truck me like I am one of them, I’ve always been curious what it is like, but there’s never been another cockerel around”
The young rooster is a little put off, but agrees all the same, so he mounts him and starts going when suddenly there is a loud bang, and the young rooster drops dead

The farmer puts down his shotgun and says ‟truck sake, tht’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month”
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth. But don’t worry; it’ll just take five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It’s $90.
Patient: $90 for just a few minutes’ work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.
 
davidscott

davidscott

Audioholic Ninja
A man goes into a hospital with a serious leg problem He is advised the leg will have to be amputated. He reluctantly agrees and goes under. When he wakes up, he asks the doctor how it went. The doctor says I have good news and bad news. The man says ok give me the bad news first. The doctor says we removed the wrong leg, but the good news is the other leg is getting better. Badabbom
 
Alex2507

Alex2507

Audioholic Slumlord
A man and his wife are awakened at 3:00 a.m. by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it’s 3 a.m. in the morning and it’s pouring out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing,” replies the drunk.
 
Verdinut

Verdinut

Audioholic Ninja
A pretty old guy was working on his workout routine at the gym when he spotted a super pretty girl with a very busty chest... He asked a coach who was very close: 'What type of machine should I use to impress her? " The coach looked at him from his feet to his head and said: 'Trying the ATM in the lobby. "
 
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