I played around with various volume settings including 0, but given that my receiver's main volume is -70db to +10db, a setting of zero was very lout resulting in the meter setting of 70 (or possibly even 80) resulted in trim levels of -10.
Assuming you are using the receiver test tones (-30 dB) and seeking a target of 75 dB which would give you Dolby Reference Level when the digital audio level peaks, trim levels of -10 means that you have A LOT of room left on the volume dial. You've got 10 dB to gain from moving the channel trims to zero and another 10 dB from zero on the dial to +10 and that is quite a large range.
Are you suprised that reference level is
very loud?

I personally can't stand it for very long. I calibrate to that level to make it 'right' but I always listen at much lower levels.
If the volume range is -70 - +10, then the total range is 80. Would it not make sense to calibrate at say -30 or -20? I'm just guessing here.
You can use any number you want. It's just that zero would be the convention so that the dial indicates the level above or below reference. Considering that reference level could be considered the
max level you'd ever want (although some gluttons for punishment will push it even louder), it's ok that you have to turn it up near the end of the volume range, although in your case you really aren't near the end.
Just to give an example that would relate to your thought of using -20 instead, my receiver only uses the absolute scale and goes from 0 to 80. I arbitrarily picked a point roughly 80% of the max (actually 60 instead of 64). The front three channel trims are at +6. In order for me to get the channel trims down into the negatives, I'd have to move the reference number on the dial much higher. Looked at another way, since the channel trims are in the pluses, the max number is no longer 80 - it is 74 (80 minus the +6) and thus in reality, my reference level is 66 not 60.
You can use -20 if you want and the only effect will be that you lose the ability to tell at a glance what the output SPL is. You will then be in the same boat as people like me using the absolute scale. You'll look at the dial and if it says -30, you have to calculate in your head: ok, my 'reference' was -20 and I'm at -30 now so I'm 10 dB below reference. But how many times do you really care to know that you are x dB below reference?
I think I may not be understanding this enough to ask my question clearly or to fully understand the threads I have been reading.
On the contrary, I think you do get it just fine. I hope I've helped to explain it a bit better. Really it's all just fun with numbers and offsets from a known base. After all a 'reference' is a just a known point from which all other points are relative - hence why the relative volume display is convenient.