Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

[haraldo]

Why, at the end of money, there's so much month left?

 

[haraldo]

A woman going out should really wear makeup, looking nice, be positive, smiling and looking at her absolutely best.

If she's in a bad mood, being not at her best, they will understand that she's married.

 

[markw]

A mother and her daughter are looking at dolls.

The girl asks her mother "Mommy, does Barbie come with Ken?"

Mommy replies "No, dear. Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She just fakes it with Ken."

 

[markw]

A husband are having another one of their common arguments.

The husband says "You old shrew. What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She replies "I'd take half your winnings and leave your sorry azz."

The man takes out his wallet, throws $6.00 on the table and says. "Here. I hit for $12. Now get the he!! out!."

 

[markw]

A little girl and her mother are watching Disney's "Little Mermaid."

The girl asks: "Mommy, why does Ariel wear sea shells?"

mommy replies: "Because, dear, B shells are too small and D shells are too big."

 

[markw]

Do you know the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? ...answer below picture.

The people in Dubai don't watch the Flintstones.

The people in Abu Dhabi do!

(Please, don't hit the face.)

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

Dear Users,
I would like to use this opportunity to congratulate you on your official holiday - Fools day.
Sincerely yours,
SysAdmin

 

[herbu]

A foursome of golfers, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big chests and wore short-shorts.


Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.


Ten years later, at age 60, the foursome again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.


Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.


Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.

 

[herbu]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'

The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

 

[herbu]

Definition of "OLD"

#1
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.

She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD"!

#2
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

"How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied: "Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

#3
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

#4
I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

#5
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.

#6
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

#7
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

#8
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

#9
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

#10
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'

#11
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

 

[Chu Gai]

A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.

He replies, “None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot.”

The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then little Johnny says “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

To which Little Johnny replied, “The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on’, but I like your thinking.”

 

[herbu]

"Daddy, do you remember the story about George Washington chopping down the cherry tree?"

"Yes, son."

"He didn't get a whuppin' because he told the truth?"

"That's right, son."

"Well, I have something to tell you. I'm the one that pushed over the outhouse."

"You are?"

"Yes, Daddy."

With that, the father took off his belt and proceeded to wear the boy out. Through his tears, the boy said, "Daddy, George Washington didn't get a whuppin' when he chopped down the cherry tree".

"No son. But when George Washington chopped down the cherry tree, his daddy wasn't sitting in it."

 

[markw]

A teacher is teaching her class biology and asks the class this question:

"What part of the human body grows to ten times it's size when excited?'

Little Blossom, the class liberal, starts in on the teacher: "Who do you think you are asking this class of
children a question like that? You're a sicko pervert and I'm going to tell my parents and you'll lose your job!!!"

The teacher just looks a her, sighs, and asks "Can anyone else answer that question?"

Little Norman raises his hand. The teacher says "Go ahead, Norman. answer the question"

He replies. "The iris. It can expand to ten times it's size depending on the light."

Teacher says "Very good, Norman. And, Suzie, I have three things to say to you."

She continues "One, you obviously didn't do your homework last night.

Two, your mind is in the gutter. I'll bet your parents will be proud when you report me to them?

And, Three, you're going to be sorely disappointed in a few years."

 

[Chu Gai]

I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like: "I'm tired". "I'm washing my hair". "I've got a headache". "I'm your sister-in-law".

 

[markw]

When I was young, our family was very poor.

I remember one day my dad was cutting onion and the whole family stood around and cried.

Poor onion.

She was such a good dog.

 

[highfigh]

First car designed using Common Core Math.

 

[markw]

Captain Kirk and Lieutenant Uhura are on leave on a resort planet.

While sitting at the bar they notice another humanoid couple giving them the eye. They talk it over and agree they could both use a little, ...errr, "recreation".

they approach the other couple and, after a few drinks, split up to go their separate rooms.

As Uhura and her "man" are getting undressed, she notices that his wang is about the size and thickness of an "N" battery,.

Her face must have shown her surprise and he said" Oh, don't worry. We can fix that".

He pulls on his ear a few times and, each time he does, it gets a little longer. He says "How's that?"

Uhura says "Well, it's long enough but it's too skinny to arouse me."

Again, he says "Don't worry. That can be fixed."

He bangs on his forehead and, each time he bangs it, it gets a little thicker. He says "Tell me when to stop.."

Well, once that negotiation was over with, they both had some of the best "recreation" they ever had.

The next morning they get up and go their separate ways, Uhura is smiling from ear to ear but Kirk has a bewildered look on his face. He asks her "How did it go last night?"

Uhura says "Fantastic! That might have been the best night of my life. How about you?"

Kirk says "Well, OK I guess but she kept on pulling on my ears and smacking me on the forehead."

 

[markw]

So, one night in a bar past, present and future run into each other.

...it was tense.

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

A guy walks into a bar and orders six shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."

The guy says, "Am I ever! I woke up late for work. On my way to work, I got in an accident. When I got to work, I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. To top it off, I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"

The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?"

The guy says, "bad dog!"

 

[BoredSysAdmin]

A white missionary is living in a remote African village. One day the chief's wife gives birth to a white baby. The chief immediately has the missionary brought to him to be executed.

Pleading for his life the missionary tries to explain how babies can be different from their parents with an example: look at those sheep in the field, that ram and ewe are white but one of their lambs is black.

Thinking about this for a while the chief responds: Fine, you can live if you don't tell anyone about the sheep.