Jokes... Heard any good ones lately?

H

herbu

Audioholic Samurai
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,

"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,

"You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way,

but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
 
C

Chu Gai

Audioholic Samurai
A wife bets her husband that he can't say one sentence to her that will make her both happy and royally angry. The husband replies, "Your ***** is tighter than your sister's."
 
H

herbu

Audioholic Samurai
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC , PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.
 
M

markw

Audioholic Overlord
A Muslim, a Marxist and a Kenyan walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hello Mr. President."
 
M

markw

Audioholic Overlord
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t’ steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no,” said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’

“So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’”

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “O.K. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Not everybody pays,” smiles the old lady.
 
M

markw

Audioholic Overlord
A blond buys two horses. She realizes she can’t get tell them apart to get their names straight so she asks a blond friend for help.

Her friend suggests she gets one of their tail bobbed. That way, one will have a long tail and the other a short one. Problem solved.

One day, the horse with the long tail gets it caught in some bramble and, you guessed it, when it pulled out of the bramble, it’s tail was the same length as the other one.

So, distraught, the blonde consults her friend again. Her suggestion is to get one of the horses ears cut. It won’t hurt but will serve to tell them apart.

All goes well until the other horse gets it’s ear caught in barbed wire. Now both horses have the same ear cut in the same way.

Again, distraught, the blonde calls her blonde friend for help. This time, she suggests that she measure both of them. One will likely be taller than the other one.

They did it. The blonde was pleased to find out that the black horse was two inches taller than the white one.
 
Ponzio

Ponzio

Audioholic Samurai
A distressed but attractive woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman says, "Get away from me you sicko!"

The bum turns to leave and mutterers, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."
 
Bizarro_Stormy

Bizarro_Stormy

Audioholics Whac-A-Mole'er™
Yet his poll numbers are rising while Hillary's fall.
DT's poll numbers are indeed rising...
which in turn is causing the collective American IQ to drop...
I don't know if the trade-off is quite worth it...


Hillary..? No thanks...
I'm writing-in my vote for Bruce Wayne...
Time to draft the Batman for Prez...
 
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M

markw

Audioholic Overlord
A police officer called the station on his radio.

"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor's still wet."
 
C

Chu Gai

Audioholic Samurai
This just in, the EU has stated that from now on all Euros will be printed on Greece-proof paper.
 
M

markw

Audioholic Overlord
A woman takes her dog to the vet because it's ears are bothering him.

The vet cleans out the ears and clips all hair inside and all is well.

The woman asks if there's anything she can do to prevent this in the future.

The vet says to get some "Nair" and apply it to the inside of his ears once a week or so.

So, the lady goes to the pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Nair.

The pharmacist gives it to her and says "Don't shave your armpits for a week or so".

The lady says "It's not for my armpits."

"Well then, don't apply body lotion on your legs for a week or so."

The lady says "It's not for my armpits. If you must know, it's for my schnauzer"

The pharmacist replies "In that case, don't ride a bike for a week or so."
 
haraldo

haraldo

Audioholic Spartan
Facebook without Internet

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.

And it works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist,
 
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